uncomfortable

i feel incredibly uncomfortable in my own skin.  i have never felt this uncomfortable about myself i don't think ever.  i am fat and feel fat. i am out of shape.  my life is not where i want it to be.  my relationships are not what i wish them to be.  i want to just start-over, start a new, but just a glace at my facebook page and even that is a slap in the face that as much as i would like to, i can't just press the restart button and start a new life; have a new shot at the same game.  i have just read maria shriver's 10 things i wish i knew when i graduated college and am almost done with lance armstrong's book, and they are definitely inspiring.  i just watched obama speak at nd's graduation and that too was inspiring.  but it's easier said and read then done and there's something that i am lacking.  perhaps this time i am too smart for my own good.  too proud, too egotistical, too greedy.  i am a perfectionist and it is kicking me in the ass and in the heart.  perhaps i need to let down my shield.  put my ego in a box that i leave in a small corner in the room every day.  stuff my pride in a box smaller than that.  i think that would be good for my own good.  i think that would lead to futher development and growth.  i will try to do that.

i never would have imagined or thought that i would be working in a brewery and doing what i am doing.  working this new job does make me uncomfortable and has forced me to learn a lot about managing people, managing perception, that perception is reality, managing risk, getting things done, working with others, etc.  i think the fact that i can say i put out x number of cases at the end of the day makes me happier than before, but i don't think that's enough.  i get some praise about the job i'm doing, but i don't think that's enough either.  someone told me today that my top boss said that my notes are the best that he has seen from any supervisor ever.  i was told that that boss hardly gives compliments ever.  that's a pretty big compliment.  i don't think that's enough either.  reading these books from maria and lance.  and hearing about other people's accomplishments, they all speak of a passion and of being able to pinpoint a goal that they wanted to attain: anchoring a news program, winning the tour de france, winning an olympic medal. i can't name mine.  i can't.  i want to be happy.  i want to be healthy.  i want to have great relationships with my family and friends.  i want to be okay with the decisions i have made and what i have done - to be able to look back without shame.  i want to love and be loved.  to be able to forgive - myself and others.  i want to be thin.  i want to be strong.  i want to be successful in some aspect of physicality.  those are all vague - there's no specific goal there.  i'll have to think about that one.

for now i will try to put my ego and pride in a box and stuff that box away and leave it at home. i am better off without it