uncomfortable

i feel incredibly uncomfortable in my own skin.  i have never felt this uncomfortable about myself i don't think ever.  i am fat and feel fat. i am out of shape.  my life is not where i want it to be.  my relationships are not what i wish them to be.  i want to just start-over, start a new, but just a glace at my facebook page and even that is a slap in the face that as much as i would like to, i can't just press the restart button and start a new life; have a new shot at the same game.  i have just read maria shriver's 10 things i wish i knew when i graduated college and am almost done with lance armstrong's book, and they are definitely inspiring.  i just watched obama speak at nd's graduation and that too was inspiring.  but it's easier said and read then done and there's something that i am lacking.  perhaps this time i am too smart for my own good.  too proud, too egotistical, too greedy.  i am a perfectionist and it is kicking me in the ass and in the heart.  perhaps i need to let down my shield.  put my ego in a box that i leave in a small corner in the room every day.  stuff my pride in a box smaller than that.  i think that would be good for my own good.  i think that would lead to futher development and growth.  i will try to do that.

i never would have imagined or thought that i would be working in a brewery and doing what i am doing.  working this new job does make me uncomfortable and has forced me to learn a lot about managing people, managing perception, that perception is reality, managing risk, getting things done, working with others, etc.  i think the fact that i can say i put out x number of cases at the end of the day makes me happier than before, but i don't think that's enough.  i get some praise about the job i'm doing, but i don't think that's enough either.  someone told me today that my top boss said that my notes are the best that he has seen from any supervisor ever.  i was told that that boss hardly gives compliments ever.  that's a pretty big compliment.  i don't think that's enough either.  reading these books from maria and lance.  and hearing about other people's accomplishments, they all speak of a passion and of being able to pinpoint a goal that they wanted to attain: anchoring a news program, winning the tour de france, winning an olympic medal. i can't name mine.  i can't.  i want to be happy.  i want to be healthy.  i want to have great relationships with my family and friends.  i want to be okay with the decisions i have made and what i have done - to be able to look back without shame.  i want to love and be loved.  to be able to forgive - myself and others.  i want to be thin.  i want to be strong.  i want to be successful in some aspect of physicality.  those are all vague - there's no specific goal there.  i'll have to think about that one.

for now i will try to put my ego and pride in a box and stuff that box away and leave it at home. i am better off without it

Birthday Present

Yesterday I took my mom to see Wicked. It was awesome! I love Wicked! Eden Espinosa who played Elphaba and Megan Hilty who played Glinda - "with a Gah" were amazing. They are both extremely talented and have amazing voices and I watched the entire musical with a huge smile on my face. =D

My favourite part though was came at the end of the show. Elphaba and Glinda made an announcement that they were raising money to help people with AIDS and asked that we all contribute - cast members would be in the foyer collecting donations. As we were leaving I saw Carole Kane, who played Madame Morrible, in the center of the foyer with a pail collecting money. That absolutely made my night. Here she is, a famous actress, with a pail asking for donations to help those less fortunate than her. What a great example - showing that no matter who you are, that it's important to do what you can to help those less fortunate, those in need. A great birthday present from someone who didn't even know she was giving it to me.




A little clip.... one of my favorites from the musical.... enjoy =)